So, I made this last night. I've never made a Youtube video of myself before so, I'm still learning. However, you should check it out and, if you have any questions, be sure to send them to me!
So, I made this last night. I've never made a Youtube video of myself before so, I'm still learning. However, you should check it out and, if you have any questions, be sure to send them to me!
*Here's another "Adventures
Jmnewport: Do you ever stray from your diet? I know some guilty indulgence isn't always a near-death-experience. Are you ever like, "just one cookie..."
Me: Hell no! And, when you have Celiac Disease, it actually is a near-death experience. Good job, dumbass
Jmnewport: Maybe for you. My ex also had celiac but a touch of gluten wasn't the end. I don't know why you're so offended/angry over something so trivial as a question of shear curiosity.
Me: Wow, you're a fucking moron!
FYI According to this guy's profile, he's still a virgin. Needless to say, I can see why!
Sometimes, smart people can attract some incredibly stupid people. If you need proof of this, go talk to some of my ex boyfriends.
*Just a heads up, this is SOMEWHAT fiction. Yes, I live next to someone I can't stand AND all of this stuff happened a while ago. But, it's part of a second project I'm working on. However, taxidermy freaks me out and I've wanted to vent about for a will. So, how do you make a villain perfect? Make them an amateur taxidermist or spider collector, those are two of the three things that creep me out the most! No, my neighbor (shockingly) isn't some evil taxidermist. Also, this is just an excerpt from another project I'm working on. If you want to read it in it's entirety, you have to wait until I finish it. Without further delay, here's "The Amateur Taxidermist"*
Three brave knocks graced my door. Shit, who could this be ? Dear God, please don't let it be that annoying creature next door. We had tried to bury the hatchet but, I still somewhat resented her. Every hour of every day, it was “Kate, can you turn your music down ? I'm studying” or “Would you be so kind as to cut it out with the Black Sabbath, I'm trying to sleep”. The bitch couldn't even use correct grammar! But, whatever, bury the hatchet, Kate, just bury the damn thing.
I opened the door- this time fully clothed. Lo and behold, a mammoth of a woman stood before me. She had two hairs on her chin and a face like an obese mare.
“Oh, hey Ashley! What's up?” I asked.
“Oh, not much. Just came home and had to go to the E.R.,” she began in that stupidly pathetic, whiny voice.
“Damn, that sucks! You okay?”
“Eh, I still don't feel good.”
“Well, come in! You should pet the magical chinchilla- he's a cure in fluffball form. Just rub his tummy- he's sorta like a fat fluffy Buddha.”
She squats down. He looks happier than a fat kid rolling around in Doritos. In fact, if I would let him, he would probably eat a Dorito.
“Gosh, I have so much stuff to carry up-” she whines.
I'm befuddled, she is rubbing the tummy of the cutest animal on the face of the planet and is whining. Seriously, what's wrong with her?!? I'm also confused- maybe because I'm so direct. I'm a city girl- if I want something, I ask for it. If I need help, I ask politely. I don't wallow around like her or whine for no apparent reason. I'm getting over the fucking flu from hell and didn't even get Tamiflu or anything. But, this bitch? Hell no. So, reluctantly...just to get her out of my apartment...
“Need any help?” I ask. Maybe it will make her leave.
“Oh...my...GOD! You are too sweet! I would love that- thank you so much!” she beams. Dammit, looks like I made a new fucking friend.
I slip on my Jelly Bean slippers that have been exceptionally kind to my feet since my prep school days. We walk down the two wooden flights of stairs and arrive at her tiny red car. Surely, there's nothing too big in there, right?
Boy, was I wrong! She lifts up the hood and it's there staring me right in the fucking face. My greatest fear is looking at my with those beady black eyes.
“Ashley, I didn't know you were a hunter,” I say oh so smoothly.
“Yeah, I go with my daddy every weekend. Well, he hunts 'em and kills 'em, I just stuff 'em.”
I pause. I'm trying not to make my fear so obvious because I don't want her to know. I mean, let's face it: your enemies shouldn't know your weaknesses in war! Instead, you should know theirs. This reminds me of the time I was stuck sleeping on my uncle's couch when we visited them. I was thirteen and we were in the middle of the Blue Ridge Mountains somewhere and those beady deer trophies...those damn deer trophies...I remember how they peered into my soul. It was almost like they were monitoring my sleep. To this day, they freak me out. However,
sometimes one has to face their fears.
“Here, let me get that,” I say with the fakest smile one can imagine. She's stupid enough to buy it.
Noon. The day had finally come: I finally got it! This one actually not only met- but exceeded- every item on my mental checklist. He was tall, dark, handsome and passed every single test: this is rare for me. Even if I know it's not going anywhere, I like to keep people like this around because they're incredibly hard to find!
It felt like high school- when the hot Senior looks hits on you and you're just this nerdy, awkward freshman. It was amazing! But, that's not what this story is about...Or, is it?
I had just gotten out of the shower, wrapped up in the only clean towel I had: a green beach towel with pink flamingos eblazoned across it. Yes, that's right: pink flamingos. Between blow drying my hair and trying to figure out which lipgloss to wear, I heard three loud knocks.
I opened the door to find a most unsavory creature standing before me. She was Gabriel Iglesias' “Five Levels of Fatness” embodied and had stringy brown hair. Her pug nose was unnaturally relaxed and she looked unusually approachable. Whoever she was, she was not John and Ash: the nice couple who lived next door. I was expecting them.
I had gotten a noise complaint that is so beyond absurd that it deserves it's own book. So, I deduced that it came from the couple next door (just to find out that it did not) or the other couple who I constantly heard fornicating next door. Now, was the moment of truth.
“Hey, did you leave this on my door?” she inquired, waving the pink envelope emblazoned with “John and Ash”.
“Yeah, it was an apology for the noise complaint. I was really sick with the flu and couldn't hear much for three weeks. It also mentions that I had a sinus infection and ear infection- totally true,” I explained. “Plus, OH MY GOD! Have you SEEN 'Pitch Perfect'? It's damn near impossible not to sing along with that.”
Her lips opened a bit and I knew she was beginning to feel bad about me (and, after reading the note, I knew that she would just feel worse).
“Oh. My. God. I am so sorry! Darn, I knew I felt mean. I even told Steve but, I get up at five in the morning and it was at all hours. I'm Ashley, by the way, I just moved in-”
“I'm Kate and, it's cool, I couldn't hear anything so, no worries!”
“Yeah, it said to John and Ash. I don't know who they are but, I guess they lived here before. I still get their mail- lots of baby stuff.”
I paused for a moment. Baby stuff? Uh. Oh.
“Oh, shit. Well, you might wanna invest in about five different forms of birth control: Karen next door got knocked up. And, well, if this couple did too then, you're probably fucked. Apparently, that's the fertility apartment.”
“The Fertility Apartment?!?” she gasped.
“Yes, ma'am,” I replied, adjusting my towel. “Sorry, I'm naked, by the way. Just got out of the shower. I'm getting ready to go meet someone. Can I possibly talk to you later? I put my number in my note.”
“Oh yeah, sure! I just moved here and haven't gotten the chance to meet anyone yet. Are you a student, too?”
“Yeah, I go to UNC-W. I'm a Criminology and French double major with a Spanish minor.”
Her mouth dropped.
“OH.MY.GOD! I am having such a hard time with French! It's damn near impossible! You might just be my new best friend!”
“Well, what French are you in?”
“Have you started doing the subjunctive yet?”
“I'll take that as a 'no'. You'll hate your life when you do. I'm in French Linguistics now. That shit is hard! But, yeah, I could help you sometime. But, look, I've gotta go. I've got a date-”
“OH. MY. GOD! You said you're a Criminology major too, right?”
“Yeah, I wanna go into law enforcement. Ya know, be a cop or federal agent- not sure which one yet.”
“Well, my dad's the sheriff back in my town. He's an asshole though and always put us in those 'police explorer' programs and stuff when I was a kid. It was hell!”
“Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that. But, look, I've really gotta run!”
“Oh, alright. Talk to you later.”
So, at the start of this, you may be thinking that I'm just the stereotypical, cynical, twentysomething bitch who hates Valentine's Day because I'm single. However, this isn't true. I used to have a lot of hope for the holiday. However, upon approaching my fourth single Valentine's Day in a row, I'm not feelin' it this year. I'm sore from Muay Thai and quite frankly just wish I had time to sleep- not the ten things on my “to-do list” that still need to be done. However, I'm looking forward to having an excuse to punch something tomorrow night when I box. I'm contemplating just turning my phone off until Monday morning or Sunday night- I'm gonna be writing and studying all weekend anyway. So, why bother?
Now, don't get what I'm saying wrong- I don't want anyone's sympathy. Why I'm single is probably my own fault. I have a hard time trusting people and I don't do things that a lot of women my age do. I won't chase someone and have learned to guard myself against men who can hurt me. Quite frankly, a lot of this is probably true of women too. I've been single for over a year now and the past four Valentine's Days.
I realized for all these years why I hate Valentine's Day. The commercialism? Nah. The fact that it's superficial as hell? Not even that! But, maybe- just maybe- it's because the Valentine's Dream of a dozen red roses or some male (or perhaps female) usually takes my dream, crumples it up, and tosses it in the trash? Ironically...no. It's not that at all! But, I've only had one good Valentine's Day since I entered the “dating game” back in high school and have yet to have a good Valentine's Day in the “Dating Game 2.0: The Adult Version”. The only difference? The “adult version” allows for romantic, passionate sex. But, ironically, that's not even why I can't stand this holiday! It probably has to do with something that happened earlier tonight.
A funny thing happened as I was checking out of Trader Joe's with my lone grocery bag in hand. I was sore and sweaty. The woman checking me out told me how awesome these chocolate covered bananas I got were. Then, it came out: “Ugh...Valentine's Day”.
“I'm assuming you're not doing anything special?”
“No, ma'am, just boxing! How about you?”
“Working and spending it with my son.”
Then, I saw a man with his son and two bouquets of roses in his hands: one was pink and one was red. I'm assuming one was for his wife and one for his daughter. I somehow managed to hold it together until I got to my car and, you guessed it: I cried in the fucking Trader Joe's parking lot. I'm admitting it, which is hard for even myself to believe.
But, why? Am I really that pathetic and that much of a loser? Am I that fucking self-centered to expect someone to buy me roses or, hell, even find it in their hearts to put up with me? No. I'm a realist. I've already accepted that- due to certain workaholic tendencies, tendencies to be a bit of an overachiever, and fears of commitment- I'm probably going to be spending many more Valentine's Days alone and am fine with that. I had the realization that all of it will pay off one day and that's fine with me.
Maybe it is my own damn fault. It's common knowledge that the first man any little girl loves is her father. If not him, I guess the closest male relative. Now, I don't know about people who didn't have the awesome dad that I had- luckily, I was never in that position. My dad was probably the greatest dad on the planet. This is probably why I'm so picky about who I'm willing to date. It's simple, really: I know what a good man is because I was lucky to be raised by one (along with my mother). No, it's not some sort of psychological issue: it's called coming from a family that is, overall, pretty awesome. I had two parents who showed me what a devoted couple is and, while I'm not necessarily looking to settle down, that's the end goal. Some of my friends have something similar but, most of them don't.
It gave me hope to see this man teaching his son something that so few men learn and something that someone very special will appreciate one day. I could almost picture my dad doing the same thing for my mom and I when I was a kid: every year, we got flowers and a card. In fact, this might be the reason why I have a particular fondness towards flowers. Dahlias, Tulips, Birds of Paradise- I love all of them! Roses are my favorite but, all of them are beautiful! Flowers know no ugliness: all of them are equally beautiful no matter what. Flowers speak a language all their own. It's a language of beauty that few people truly understand. Sure, they die but, so does everything else. All in all, life is so fleeting for all living creatures: even flowers. For those few days that flowers live, you experience a certain kind of exquisite beauty that even the cheapest flowers hold. Try doing the same thing with cheap jewelry, chocolate, or perfume: it won't work! But, flowers? Oh no, flowers have a certain elusive beauty that only lasts for a fleeting moment in comparison to time and space, as well as everything else. To this day, walk into my bedroom and, you know what you'll find? Most of the Valentine's Day cards from my dad either on my French memo board or pinned on my bulletin board, despite the fact that he passed away when I was sixteen.
In fact, the reason that my longest relationship to date lasted for over a year probably had a lot to do with the fact that he got me exactly what I wanted for Valentine's Day without me even dropping a hint. Okay, maybe not a lot but, at least a portion: we all know that most men aren't good listeners and even fewer are mind readers. Ever since entering the “dating game” that I mentioned in a previous paragraph, this has been one of two Valentine's Days that I haven't been single and the only Valentine's Day that was spent with someone who got it right. But, that's besides the point- although, trust me, it's a great story.
However, three funnier things happened on my voyage to write this blog post. It's funny: it's just a walk up two flights of stairs, opening the door to my apartment, and sitting down at my desk.
First, as I was walking up the stairs, finally starting to dry up and carrying my grocery bag in hand, I heard quick moving foot steps. My first thought was that it was my neighbors and their obnoxious gaggle of children. However, I was surprised: two medium sized jumped up on me, gave me hugs, and started licking me! Immediately, I found myself smiling. Their owner apologized but, I told her not to worry about it. What I didn't mention was just how much it made my day.
The second thing happened a few minutes after I walked into my apartment. As I was putting up groceries, I heard a noise coming from my guinea pig, Gus. It was the typical “Eek! Eek!” noise, otherwise known as “Mom! Give me food!” Usually, a handful of kale and he gets preoccupied eating it until right before I go to bed, which is when all three get attention from me. Well, apparently, someone picked up on the fact that I was really upset. So, I sat down to start writing this blog post because- since my blog's main theme-until this book is finished- is internet dating, I felt the need to write a post about how much I hate Valentine's Day. Well, you guessed it: he's now sitting in my lap trying to eat my yoga pants. Romantic, huh? Mr. T, the other man in my life, is currently licking his crotch. As for Kiwi, my rat and the only woman in my life? She's curled up in a ball looking adorable, as always. So, maybe this Valentine's Day won't be so bad after all.
The third thing that happened brought me to tears for a second time today. For those of you who don't know me, let me tell you something that most people know me know: it takes an act of God to make me cry. In fact, it almost never happens! I have only cried at one movie, sat through my father's entire funeral when I was sixteen without tears, and have experienced multiple events that would have brought most people to tears. I don't know why but, I've never been one to cry at most of the things that women get sentimental over. However, Valentine's Day has always been rough and, the older I get, the more I hate it. Anyway, one of my friends apparently knew that I- along with a handful of his other female friends- was less than thrilled to be spending Valentine's Day alone this year. So, he made a video for all of us, posted it on Youtube (as well as Facebook), and took time out of his day to wish us all a happy Valentine's Day. It was one of the nicest things anyone has done for me in years and has done a lot to make this year's Valentine's Day so much more bearable.
So, while this isn't the usual sarcastic, funny post that most of you have grown accustomed to, I want to wish all of my readers a very happy Valentine's Day! I know it's rough for some of you but, just know that you aren't alone. Besides, it's just one day out of the year, right?
January 2, 2012
I found this dating profile and thought it was pretty hilarious. Are there really any words needed?
“Ok, now for the part where I offend you by talking about what I like in a woman. I'm confident most of the time, but if there is a woman with big ol' eyes and some long brown hair, BOOM, I'm a stuttering goo ball and will probably just miss an opportunity to talk to her.
My mom once told me that I appear too "aloof" towards women, and that I should try and act more engaging from a distance. Dating advice...from mom...which I have now just put down in writing on a dating website. Cool.
And back to describing my ideal you. I like someone who is very active, but I also really like girls a tiny bit more...padded? This is a tough one since people view themselves so differently. I just say I like twigs AND fattys! I'll just go right ahead and offend everyone! I like high energy people. I like driven people. I like successful people.
Man, I can really tell that this is going to be successful.”
-Here's another one and- not gonna lie- this guy might just be my hero:
“Yes...I am actually a pirate. Me name's Pelican Joe and I work on the Raven in Surf City. Currently I'm looking for adventurous wenches who would be willing to take a cruise down the Intracoastal Waterway to Florida and back. It is a 9 to 12 week trip on a boat. There is a weekly salary but food, drink and lodging is taken care of. Do you want to skip out on all the drama and silly stuff that goes on in reality? I'm your guy. Give it all up and go sailing on the account of Piracy with me. Looking for girls who are of legal drinking age that don't mind being dressed up like a sexy pirate wench and can handle life on a boat for a few months. Don't hesitate. Other girls want this too. Pull the trigger on the opportunity of a lifetime.
On the boat, I like to shoot cannons, play guitar, sing, fish, be lazy, shoot guns, carry cutlasses around and generally just enjoy myself. Sound like fun? You could do it too...just send me a message and I'll send my contact info and answer any questions you might have.”
So, this is one I dug up in my archives. Apparently, this is from back in September! I'm really behind, huh?
Mr. Big Ruck Sack: Ma'am you are always welcome to talk with SGT M, let me know if my profile was to your expectations, I like your smile, thanks
Me: Thanks ;)
Me: Well, I'm assuming you don't leave any work at the office :p
Mr. Big Ruck Sack: It is a hazard of being an officer in the armed forces, we are on call 24/7, when on leave we have to ready to answer the call that comes down, Ma'am.
Me: Ah gotcha. So, what do you like to do for fun?
Mr. Big Ruck Sack: Ma'am I like movies, and I run a lot, not every woman's idea of fun but it can be with the right friend. Jumping from aircraft is FUN, it is in my job description, yet I get a rush from the g force that one feels out the door, I like your smile.
Me: Thanks :) You don't have to call me ma'am- I'm only twenty-one haha. I assume you're Airborne, then?
Mr. Big Ruck Sack: Yes, Ma'am I am, it is a sign of respect, I am curious, what about my profile was the defining factor in you choosing to contact me?
Me: You seem interesting. What about you?
Mr. Big Ruck Sack: I talk to women making them laugh is the best thing, friendship is the foundation to comfort, I was interested in how you spoke, your words, If you were direct, angry, upbeat. I am a guy, a Sergeant who will show the utmost respect to all women, all women I have talked to on this site can say SGT Maddox is a gentleman. I will be honest, I am a visual man, we are by nature, no offense intended.
Me: None taken :) Laughter is pretty awesome.
Mr. Big Ruck Sack: Ma'am you are very descriptive about likes and dislikes, was my profile a positive or negative? Feedback is always welcome.
Me: Different, but overall good.
Mr. Big Ruck Sack: Thank you Ma'am, what are your views on service members and the world at our present time?
Me: Many of my friends are service members. They're either really cool or assholes to the nth degree. There isn't much in between. As for the world, it depends on which aspects. So, please specify?
Mr. Big Ruck Sack: I am a Sergeant who does not fit either of those descriptions, I am a leader, our place in foreign territories aiding in their development?
Me: I have mixed emotions
Mr. Big Ruck Sack: I can be a direct man, Ma'am I was asking what you thought, you can ask me anything I will answer as honest as I can. Talking to women my approach is different, yet, friendship is my place, intimacy comes later to all women who get to know me.
Me: No, I mean I have mixed emotions about the US aiding foreign territories in their development.
Mr. Big Ruck Sack: Yes, Ma'am, you can ask me anything you wish, it always breaks the ice with new people, be yourself I do not offend!
Me: What is your type (looks-wise)?
Mr. Big Ruck Sack: Ma'am, beauty is not just words, I am a visual man, a great smile will bring my energy to the surface, she will know I like her. I hope that is not vague, just many things I look for.
Me: Fair enough, just curious. What's your opinion on tattoos?
Mr. Big Ruck Sack: I do not have any, I do not judge any women on her choices, I will like her for who she is!
Me: Fair enough.
Mr. Big Ruck Sack: Yes, Ma'am SGT M is a man of character, and studness, please tell your women friends that I am a beast. LOL.
Me: Haha tell my female friends that you're a beast, huh? Would you like to elaborate on this?
Mr. Big Ruck Sack: Will do, Ma'am I can run a two mile in eleven minutes, run a ten miler in 58 minutes, then have 18 hours, women are always impressed with my energy, no joke, I never get tired. I can run three days off a bowl of rice and a piece of fish, I grant wishes. That was my rap moment. LOL I hope I do not offend, if so, I will stop.
Me: So, you want me to let my female friends that you've got amazing stamina in bed? Duly noted. Also, I'm nearly impossible to offend
Mr. Big Ruck Sack: I am only being honest, I am more than that I am a great friend to women, very generous to those worthy of that treatment. You are a good sport Ma'am, my extreme personality comes on strong sometimes, thanks
Me: Haha oh yeah? Impressive
Mr. Big Ruck Sack: Thank you Ma'am, you are more than welcome to contact me anytime regarding any questions or concern you have, I work with computers, I can aid in certain matters, if needed.
Me: What types of matters? You peaked my interest
Mr. Big Ruck Sack: Ma'am I like the way you speak, you are not hostile, or angry in your words, I meant that I can help you with technical questions of computers, itunes, windows 7. As long as I peak something in your world, I am psyched!
Me: Thanks! I try to be a pleasant person but am just enough of a bitch to get the job done.
Mr. Big Ruck Sack: Ma'am if you want something you have to ask, or send signals! LOL
Me: What kind of signals?
Mr. Big Ruck Sack: Ma'am you ask a lot of questions! If you desire me, in person you would most likely have signals placed in front of me, If I tell you which ones I am giving away trade secrets.
Me: I don't trade secrets, although you can give me yours ;)
Mr. Big Ruck Sack: Ma'am you are crafty in your words, I would guess you are smart enough to know signals I speak of? What signals do you give to guys for desire, lust, or other?
Me: Psh like I'd tell you :p
Mr. Big Ruck Sack: Ma'am, you are too cool for school, you know it!
Me: Haha thanks
Mr. Big Ruck Sack: Ma'am you are careful with your words, is there a reason for this? I expect nothing just your company, I am a beast, yet, I have been nothing but respectful, correct?
Me: You're fine
Mr. Big Ruck Sack: Ma'am please tell all women you know that SGT M has no limit to passion plus, do you have the love deluxe? LOL I am just being playful Ma'am
Me: Lmao what is the love deluxe?
Mr. Big Ruck Sack: What is Lmao? It is a reference to you having what all guys are looking for, appeal that goes beyond the norm, I just gave you a secret, Ma'am.
Me: Lmao= laughing my ass off. What was the secret?
Mr. Big Ruck Sack: Ma'am you are intelligent enough not to ask questions you already know the answers, you are sexy, that is love deluxe!
Me: Oh really? Why thank you!
Mr. Big Rucksack: Is my studness what you know to be extremely sexy, Secret was that is my coin phrase not many know of it, you are one of a few Ma'am
Me: Now, I never said that!
Mr. Big Ruck Sack: Well, Ma'am what would you say?
Not gonna lie- this was one of the oddest and probably most entertaining conversations I have had on any internet dating site. At any point was I ever interested? Not really. But, I'm single and easily amused. So, I decided to be polite and respond to his message.
So, one of the guys who I met online, Joe (mentioned previously), must have been pretty bored at work. I had just gotten back from class and I had this waiting for me in my phone's inbox:
I guess he was trying to get me back for calling him a “Glow in The Dark Anal Tarantula” the other day... I don't know why but I always attract the most charmingly fascinating people. But, the creepy neighbors seem scared of him (always good, right?). Needless to say, here's the rest of the conversation that should be able to speak for itself :
For the record, Mr. T is a chinchilla (aka a fat, jittery little ball of fluff who jumps around and holds staring contests). I have four pets: Kiwi (a rat that I'm fostering until December), Lucky (a turtle I rescued back in March), Mr. T (the chinchilla), and Gus (a guinea pig who is scared of everything but will cuddle endlessly). Well, Mr. T is the “star of the show”, so to speak, and has this funny, almost magical, quality when it comes to getting people to fall in love with him. Believe me when I say that literally everything he does is cute! Maybe I'm just a proud “mother”? Probably! But, even when he's bent over licking his crotch, it's the cutest thing ever. Now, I'm sure this wouldn't strike most people as “cute” but, Mr. T is a quirky little guy and there's actually a reason behind an action most people would consider mildly offensive: he has to take off hair rings that form around his male parts.
Now, I guess my question to the audience would be this: can you pick the bigger smart ass?
Well, I should be writing a paper. But, I'm gonna be smart and procrastinate. Smart, huh? Anyway, they WILL get done. I'm coming off of an all-nighter and in a weird mood. So, I decided to harass my best friend back home in Atlanta. He enjoys it though. Sometimes, he harasses me. But, he's nicer so, is it really harassing? By harass, I mean text him randomly. I don't know if any of you have seen the “Gangnam Style” video but, that was the main part of the conversation prior to a little preview about what's to come.
This is basically what happened:
Now, we have known each other since high school (freshman/sophomore year for me, sophomore/junior year for him or something like that). We used to watch this guy I had a big crush on walk into the building. Really. I used to be that pathetic! Needless to say, I've grown up. We both have. However, the older we've gotten, the closer we've gotten- despite the distance. For the record, I got his consent to publish this.
So, I'm going to preface this with a nice little disclaimer. This gentleman is basically a “ten” in my book. According to his profile, he's got a lot going for himself:
I'll be frank, the two of us probably shouldn't be in the same room. Regardless, we hit it off online so far and, naturally I ask him what he does for a living. The conversation goes a little something like this:
Three words: I want one! I mean, I really want one.
Naturally, a few weeks go by and I decide to give him a little nudge. I'm not being desperate but, I wanna see what he's up to. Plus, he's obviously a catch, so, why not? Now, here's how those conversations go: