So, at the start of this, you may be thinking that I'm just the stereotypical, cynical, twentysomething bitch who hates Valentine's Day because I'm single. However, this isn't true. I used to have a lot of hope for the holiday. However, upon approaching my fourth single Valentine's Day in a row, I'm not feelin' it this year. I'm sore from Muay Thai and quite frankly just wish I had time to sleep- not the ten things on my “to-do list” that still need to be done. However, I'm looking forward to having an excuse to punch something tomorrow night when I box. I'm contemplating just turning my phone off until Monday morning or Sunday night- I'm gonna be writing and studying all weekend anyway. So, why bother?
Now, don't get what I'm saying wrong- I don't want anyone's sympathy. Why I'm single is probably my own fault. I have a hard time trusting people and I don't do things that a lot of women my age do. I won't chase someone and have learned to guard myself against men who can hurt me. Quite frankly, a lot of this is probably true of women too. I've been single for over a year now and the past four Valentine's Days.
I realized for all these years why I hate Valentine's Day. The commercialism? Nah. The fact that it's superficial as hell? Not even that! But, maybe- just maybe- it's because the Valentine's Dream of a dozen red roses or some male (or perhaps female) usually takes my dream, crumples it up, and tosses it in the trash? Ironically...no. It's not that at all! But, I've only had one good Valentine's Day since I entered the “dating game” back in high school and have yet to have a good Valentine's Day in the “Dating Game 2.0: The Adult Version”. The only difference? The “adult version” allows for romantic, passionate sex. But, ironically, that's not even why I can't stand this holiday! It probably has to do with something that happened earlier tonight.
A funny thing happened as I was checking out of Trader Joe's with my lone grocery bag in hand. I was sore and sweaty. The woman checking me out told me how awesome these chocolate covered bananas I got were. Then, it came out: “Ugh...Valentine's Day”.
“I'm assuming you're not doing anything special?”
“No, ma'am, just boxing! How about you?”
“Working and spending it with my son.”
Then, I saw a man with his son and two bouquets of roses in his hands: one was pink and one was red. I'm assuming one was for his wife and one for his daughter. I somehow managed to hold it together until I got to my car and, you guessed it: I cried in the fucking Trader Joe's parking lot. I'm admitting it, which is hard for even myself to believe.
But, why? Am I really that pathetic and that much of a loser? Am I that fucking self-centered to expect someone to buy me roses or, hell, even find it in their hearts to put up with me? No. I'm a realist. I've already accepted that- due to certain workaholic tendencies, tendencies to be a bit of an overachiever, and fears of commitment- I'm probably going to be spending many more Valentine's Days alone and am fine with that. I had the realization that all of it will pay off one day and that's fine with me.
Maybe it is my own damn fault. It's common knowledge that the first man any little girl loves is her father. If not him, I guess the closest male relative. Now, I don't know about people who didn't have the awesome dad that I had- luckily, I was never in that position. My dad was probably the greatest dad on the planet. This is probably why I'm so picky about who I'm willing to date. It's simple, really: I know what a good man is because I was lucky to be raised by one (along with my mother). No, it's not some sort of psychological issue: it's called coming from a family that is, overall, pretty awesome. I had two parents who showed me what a devoted couple is and, while I'm not necessarily looking to settle down, that's the end goal. Some of my friends have something similar but, most of them don't.
It gave me hope to see this man teaching his son something that so few men learn and something that someone very special will appreciate one day. I could almost picture my dad doing the same thing for my mom and I when I was a kid: every year, we got flowers and a card. In fact, this might be the reason why I have a particular fondness towards flowers. Dahlias, Tulips, Birds of Paradise- I love all of them! Roses are my favorite but, all of them are beautiful! Flowers know no ugliness: all of them are equally beautiful no matter what. Flowers speak a language all their own. It's a language of beauty that few people truly understand. Sure, they die but, so does everything else. All in all, life is so fleeting for all living creatures: even flowers. For those few days that flowers live, you experience a certain kind of exquisite beauty that even the cheapest flowers hold. Try doing the same thing with cheap jewelry, chocolate, or perfume: it won't work! But, flowers? Oh no, flowers have a certain elusive beauty that only lasts for a fleeting moment in comparison to time and space, as well as everything else. To this day, walk into my bedroom and, you know what you'll find? Most of the Valentine's Day cards from my dad either on my French memo board or pinned on my bulletin board, despite the fact that he passed away when I was sixteen.
In fact, the reason that my longest relationship to date lasted for over a year probably had a lot to do with the fact that he got me exactly what I wanted for Valentine's Day without me even dropping a hint. Okay, maybe not a lot but, at least a portion: we all know that most men aren't good listeners and even fewer are mind readers. Ever since entering the “dating game” that I mentioned in a previous paragraph, this has been one of two Valentine's Days that I haven't been single and the only Valentine's Day that was spent with someone who got it right. But, that's besides the point- although, trust me, it's a great story.
However, three funnier things happened on my voyage to write this blog post. It's funny: it's just a walk up two flights of stairs, opening the door to my apartment, and sitting down at my desk.
First, as I was walking up the stairs, finally starting to dry up and carrying my grocery bag in hand, I heard quick moving foot steps. My first thought was that it was my neighbors and their obnoxious gaggle of children. However, I was surprised: two medium sized jumped up on me, gave me hugs, and started licking me! Immediately, I found myself smiling. Their owner apologized but, I told her not to worry about it. What I didn't mention was just how much it made my day.
The second thing happened a few minutes after I walked into my apartment. As I was putting up groceries, I heard a noise coming from my guinea pig, Gus. It was the typical “Eek! Eek!” noise, otherwise known as “Mom! Give me food!” Usually, a handful of kale and he gets preoccupied eating it until right before I go to bed, which is when all three get attention from me. Well, apparently, someone picked up on the fact that I was really upset. So, I sat down to start writing this blog post because- since my blog's main theme-until this book is finished- is internet dating, I felt the need to write a post about how much I hate Valentine's Day. Well, you guessed it: he's now sitting in my lap trying to eat my yoga pants. Romantic, huh? Mr. T, the other man in my life, is currently licking his crotch. As for Kiwi, my rat and the only woman in my life? She's curled up in a ball looking adorable, as always. So, maybe this Valentine's Day won't be so bad after all.
The third thing that happened brought me to tears for a second time today. For those of you who don't know me, let me tell you something that most people know me know: it takes an act of God to make me cry. In fact, it almost never happens! I have only cried at one movie, sat through my father's entire funeral when I was sixteen without tears, and have experienced multiple events that would have brought most people to tears. I don't know why but, I've never been one to cry at most of the things that women get sentimental over. However, Valentine's Day has always been rough and, the older I get, the more I hate it. Anyway, one of my friends apparently knew that I- along with a handful of his other female friends- was less than thrilled to be spending Valentine's Day alone this year. So, he made a video for all of us, posted it on Youtube (as well as Facebook), and took time out of his day to wish us all a happy Valentine's Day. It was one of the nicest things anyone has done for me in years and has done a lot to make this year's Valentine's Day so much more bearable.
So, while this isn't the usual sarcastic, funny post that most of you have grown accustomed to, I want to wish all of my readers a very happy Valentine's Day! I know it's rough for some of you but, just know that you aren't alone. Besides, it's just one day out of the year, right?