September 7, 2012




Dear Nurse I Saw This Morning,




They pulled the wool over my eyes. I really thought I was supposed to be seeing a doctor! You know, the people that you work for and who are probably smarter than you? Yeah! Those guys!




You are supposed to be nice. Really! I was pretty nice to you. Don't nurses do this thing called "taking care of people"? Anyway, what do I know? Well, I do know this: just because you make Honey Boo Boo Child's mom look like Kate Upton does NOT mean that you can take it out on me! Seriously, cut the attitude. As mean as it may sound, I'm kinda sad I didn't puke until AFTER our little visit this morning and, had I puked in your presence (specifically if a bit got on your shoe), I'm sure you would have written the doctor's note and realized the gravity of the situation. However, you're not even a doctor and I got out of bed at about 7 AM, very sick, risked a parking ticket, and dealt with the crap of someone I thought would be a doctor who was just a stupid, measly nurse who hates the world. After thirteen years in a profession where you take care of people, I would really hope that you get off of your power trip and actually start caring. Most of us don't enjoy being sick, please don't add to our distress with your presence. Do not tell me "that's just life". It's taking every ounce of decency not to talk to your supervisor or file a complaint for the way I was disrespected and spoken to. The only reason I am not doing this is because I firmly believe in karma. However, karma may also be the reason that you resemble a cross between an ogre and a very large troll.




But, here are a few notes:

1. When I tell you that one of my symptoms is that it “hurts when I talk”, this isn't for your information. This may shock you but, it really hurts when I talk because I'm really sick. So, don't interrogate me like I'm on “Law and Order: SVU”.
   
   
2. You shoved a big, mean stick down my throat TWICE! Was that REALLY necessary? Also, I tried my best to “open wide” but, I have a tiny mouth. Seriously, would it kill you to be gentle?
   
   
3. I was probably your second or third patient of the day (if that). I'm sorry if your kids hate you/husband won't sleep with you/your house burnt down/etc. However, that is not my problem. Seriously, lose the attitude. I'm sorry if your life isn't perfect but, who's is? I'd kill t be not sick so I could start training again, excel academically, and finish my first book (hopefully of many). I've already had to drop a class due to missing so many with this sinus/viral/Upper Respiratory Infection mess.
   
   
4. I have deprived my poor readers for about two weeks because of how sick I've been and have missed a straight week of classes. If I'm throwing up, can barely speak (or stand up for that matter), randomly break into sweats, have no energy, and all I ask of you is a little note saying that I went to the doctor, don't give me a sarcastic shit-eating grin and say “Well, sorry but that's life.” I know damn well what life is, sweetheart. I might be half your age but, I am not a moron and have more drive in my pinky than your wrinkled, fat, useless ass.
   
   
5. Did I already mention that I wish I had puked on you so you would have taken me seriously? Honey, you should have seen me puking in the toilet RIGHT after I came home. It was literally about a bucketful of puke.
   
   
6. Don't be a smart ass and suggest something that I am later informed that I need a prescription for. Really, sweetie. Are you trying to mess with my head? I can barely fucking communicate with you and you really think that making my life that much harder is gonna help, don't ya? Well, it will help make sure of this: if I ever have to use the Health Center's services, I will NOT be utilizing your services and will insist on a real DOCTOR with this fancy piece of paper called an MD (meaning that he is a “Medical Doctor”).
   
   
7. I had to cancel two dates with two VERY good looking, dark-haired men! Do you know how mad I am? I know I'm not too gorgeous first thing in the morning when I have what might be the second coming of the Bubonic Plague but, I clean up pretty well.
   
   
8. The Mucinex you suggested sorta helped. I'll admit that much. But, you know what helped more? Kisses from my friend's puppy and a shot of Jameson.
   
   
9. I think I deserve a sticker for this torment. However, the free condoms and dental dams are not bad either. But, a sticker and/or lollipop was preferred.
   
   

Also, if any friends out there want to become nurses, don't end up being like this deplorable human I had to deal with. Yes, I know I've whined and ranted this week (thank you for putting up with me) but, enough's enough. "Nursing" sounds like "nurturing" and that's what you're supposed to do: nurture. So, please, do not be like Nurse Ogre I had to deal with and kinda wished I puked on. Instead, be the nice, loving nurse that has rainbows shooting out of every orifice of your body and a smile radiating because you love your job. Now, I know nurses and they work their butts off (and, the nursing they do is WAY harder than anything your fat ass could handle).




-Kate

Hey y'all!

I just wanted to quickly apologize for my absence. I know that it has been way too long and it isn't acceptable. However, my excuses are valid:

1) My college doesn't realize that I am actually a state resident. This obviously isn't good and is something that is a bit of a priority.

2) I have been sick with what I think is either a cold, virus, or sinus infection that has been lingering for a few weeks. Well, it's gotten significantly worse to the point that I may (gasp) see a doctor. It's gotten so bad that I am trying to minimize my speaking (which is tricky as a foreign language major) and am trying to do what I can to get better (drink my body weight in tea and orange juice, keep my place as neat as possible, not work too much, took two days off of class, sleeping quite a bit, and invested in some good music). For those of you who don't know me, I HATE seeing the doctor: I hate getting weighed (yes, really), having them poke/prod/interrogate me, and prescribing me medicine that either tastes funny or I have to remember to take. I also HATE Strep tests. As an adult, I am totally honest about my disdain for going to the doctor and frankly don't like them much. I have only liked three doctors in my life- the pediatrician I had as a kid, my GI doctor (he's just too damn nice), and my old allergist who is now retired in Israel (most likely enjoying life). Besides that, I think most are conceited assholes who just want to torture me (judge me but, those Strep Tests aren't fun)! I am, however, AWESOME when it comes to shots. As long as something is not going into either "sensitive orifice" of my body (aka mouth and rear), I'm alright. The interrogations are also profoundly annoying because they don't seem to understand that my appointment with them isn't a Barbara Walters Special. Really. I see no point in someone taking their time to state th

I WILL be "back in the game" soon though- I PROMISE! REALLY! It'll be glorious, too!

With Love,
K.D. Barclay

Day of the Week: Sunday

Time: Too Damn Early. In reality, about 9:00 AM.




Ding! (This is my phone's way of being kind enough to inform me that I have a text message from a very good looking man).




NOTE: Excessive Use of Sarcasm!




Joe: I am all that is man.




Me: You're all that is man, huh?




Joe: Yeah, I just fixed a door.




Me: At work?




Joe: Yeah, it kept getting stuck and you couldn't open it. So, I fixed it.




Me: Well, congratulations sweetheart! That's pretty impressive!




Joe: I know. Bow to me.




Me: You should hang around here more often- stuff is always breaking!




Joe: I'm sure I could fix something with my tool.




Me: Joe, not what I was implying!




Joe: Sorry, it was just too easy.




Me: By the way, Mr. All That Is Man, the creepy neighbor hasn't bothered me since the night you and I hung out. I owe ya one.




Joe: Pleasure to be of assistance, lil' lady (in a western cowboy accent).




Me: Dork




Joe: I try...So, what are you up to?




Me: Working on the book, you?




Joe: Saving the world.




Me: Squishing bugs?




Joe: Negative, Call of Duty. I just stopped World War Three!




Me: Wow!




Joe: Well, it's true. Please, don't call me a hero- I'm just doing my job.




Me: Okay, Mr. All That Is Man.




Joe: You got that right.




Me: What exactly is “Call of Duty”?




Joe: HOLY FUCKING SHIT! You've never heard of “Call of Duty”?!?!?!




Me: No, I like to pretend that I have a social life.




Joe: It's a a first person shooter game. You know the ones that get blamed when whiny emo kids shoot up their schools.




Me: I mean, I've heard the name and know that it's some stupid game where you shoot shit.




Joe: Oh, yeah, that's pretty much it. You play a special forces operator. This game has made more people single handedly enlist in the Marines than any moto commercial.




Me: Is that what made you enlist in the Marines? Also, what does “moto” mean?




Joe: Motovated. And, no, when I was four, I saw the dude slaying the dragon.




Me: Joe that's not how you spell “motivated”...Also, what the fuck? Slaying the dragon?




Joe: He did this crazy obstacle course, pulled a sword out of this rock, and killed a dragon with it.




Me: What the fuck?




Joe: Go on Youtube and look up “Marine Corps Dragon Commercial”. It's the first one.




Me: Joe, what the fuck is this commercial?




Joe: You watch it?




Me: Yes. Epic Fail.




Joe: Shut your mouth. That commercial is awesome. I saw that when I was four and I was like “Holy shit! I wanna kill lava monsters!”




Me: Joe, you're so full of shit!




Joe: It's true.




Me: Moron.




Joe: Hey! Be nice!




Me: When am I nice?




Joe: Never




Me: Well, it's pretty damn apparent that my snark adds to my charm. Don't act like you don't find it incredibly sexy.




Joe: Don't worry, I won't.




Me: I'm heading out. Talk to you later.




Now, I am not trying to diss our nation's military. However, I saw that atrocious monstrosity of a commercial. It might be the worst commercial I've ever seen!

Estrella Damm Daura,

I am drunk- if only on your tan curves which are hugged by your red packaging like you were a

Present from God

But just for me and for my

Lips to enjoy the taste of your tan, feminine lager

I can't drink Coors,

Nor can I do Corona,

But, I don't feel nauseous when the lips of your long, slender neck kiss my lips.

Tonight, you are mine and I might end up being yours

However, our relationship-

I know that it will last more than one night since you were meant for me and me alone.  




DISCLAIMER: NOT AN ALCOHOLIC

Hey y'all! 

So, I know this post is quick but, the “Back to School” season is a busy one. So, based on some observations, I decided to throw out some random advice that some of you might find useful:

1. Guys, get there 10-15 minutes early. I know, this can be risky. But, if it's a movie or something that requires a ticket beforehand, have it ready and waiting if you are meeting your date there. It will impress her.
   
   
2. On the same note as number two, pay on the first date if you are the one who asked. Sorry, guys, I know it's a double standard but, despite feminism and multiple social reforms, most women do expect you to pay on the first date. However, if a woman asks a man on a date or suggests it, I would say that it's technically acceptable for her to pay. REGARDLESS, both parties should always make the offer.
   
   
3. Another note on the second item on my list: guys, in most cases, women expect you to pay on the date. It's not that we are after your money or something. However, we are taught that men are supposed to be the “providers” in a sense. This is ESPECIALLY true if she is from a fairly traditional Southern household (like mine). I probably shouldn't admit this but, I do make a mental note if a guy doesn't pay on a date and he usually gets “friend-zoned”. I'm not trying to be superficial but, every dating book I've ever read and the way I was raised say that.
   
   
4. Yet, another note on the previous item (I know, right?): if money is really that big of an issue, do something free! There are plenty of us who are happy just hanging out at the beach or going for a walk. Really. Not all of us are that high-maintenance and, to be frank, money doesn't really impress me. I am not a fan of receiving random gifts unless it's some sort of special occasion (flowers are the only exception to this rule) and would rather be complimented or given attention.
   
   
5. If you have food allergies or some other dietary restriction, don't be a jerk about it. Where I live, a lot of people don't understand a gluten-free diet (which I was put on by my doctor). Instead, suggest something that doesn't revolve around food. Dating on a special diet is hard! But, it IS possible!
   
   
6. Topics to ABSOLUTELY avoid talking about on a date: religion, politics, sexuality, money, and anything health-related. The last two are the most annoying and offensive to me personally! If you don't want a second chance at a date with me, ask me about my financial background. Although my family is by no means wealthy, whoever I marry will have to sign a prenuptial agreement. There are male gold diggers out there, too (I call them “leeches”) and I am very good at spotting them. My parents worked their asses off so that I could have a good education, travel, and follow in the family tradition of working my ass off. I have methods of weeding them out. You think I'm kidding? Try me.
   
   
7. Look like your profile picture. Put up a few- the more you have, the better! Physical attractiveness does count. Now, that varies from person to person but, if you've put on fifty pounds since your profile picture, I can tell. Also, I take honesty very seriously: what else could you be lying about?
   
   
8. Don't lie! Period! You wanna know a little surprise? I have an amazing memory about most things. I remember enough to freak most people out.
   
   
9. Book a weekend solid with dates and any other plans! Call me nuts, but, it works! Split Friday, Saturday, and Sunday into day and night time slots. Chances are, at least one will cancel. I would suggest doing this by Monday at the earliest and Wednesday at the latest.
   
   
10. Sex on the first date is off-limits. Trust me on this one!
    
    
11. Don't let them come over until at least the third date. Go out on actual dates until then.
    
    
12. Ladies, know the difference between playing “hard to get” and being ridiculous.
    
    
13. Guys, grow a pair and ask a woman for her number if you want it.
    
    
14. The “75-25 Rule”: in a heterosexual relationship, a man should put in seventy-five percent of the effort when it comes to communicating, initiating sex, planning dates, etc. Women should put in about twenty-five percent effort to the mentioned activities.
    
    
15. In two books I read, they mention a “Ninety Day Trial Period” of sorts. The following should not be done for a man within the first ninety days: cooking for him, giving random gifts, letting him stay over for more than one night (and vice versa), going on a vacation together, meeting his or your parents, being “official” as a couple, being “exclusive”, etc.
    
    
16. Ladies, don't bring up the “exclusive” talk where you try to define the relationship. That's the man's job. If it's not brought up within three months, leave.
    
    
17. Don't commit to one person within the “Ninety Day Trial Period”. Competition is healthy and weeds out anyone unworthy. I'm a fan of the “Hunger Games” and, call me crazy, but using the same principle to my love life is helping a lot. I date multiple people and that helps keep it more casual. Plus, if someone cancels, I'm not as disappointed.
    
    
18. Don't confuse gender roles in society and biology. Men have been conditioned to pursue women. Can you let a man know that you exist? Sure! Can you chase them? No.
    
    
19. Ladies, don't talk to them too much at first. Keep conversations that aren't in person short, sweet, and to the point. After a while, you're busy. I don't care if you are at home with a chinchilla and turtle watching “Ancient Aliens”, you are busy. What you are doing is none of his business- just say you “have work to do”.
    
    
20. If a guy is really nosy, just give back sarcastic answers like I do. It usually shuts them up or veers them off course. Don't even get me started on how many men I have seduced through sarcasm!   
    
    

One thing you should know about me is that I don't like getting mad: I would prefer to get even.

With that being said, I have a few words to the guy who stood me up yesterday. Now, to be fair, he got twenty-four hours to apologize. But, that hasn't happened. So, here's what I have to say:




First off, you should know better. Surely, a Southern gentleman from Louisiana was raised to at least politely decline or say something about not being able to make it. As a Southern chick myself, I know my parents raised me to have manners. Surely, you were taught the same. I'm very disappointed in your behavior. What you did is not the way a real man behaves. Speaking of real men, Mr. T (my chinchilla) is more of a man than you'll ever be and that's pathetic.




Second, you apparently don't know how to treat a lady. That's pretty sad to me. Women with backgrounds like me would rarely give a guy like you five minutes of their time- much less allow them the privilege of a date. I may not be the prettiest nor am I perfect but, I am a damn good woman and I'm starting to think that you realized that I was out of your league and backed out. However, you could have at least texted me and been a gentleman. I'm about to become a publish author, speak/understand three languages (four if you can't sarcasm), and I'm going to spare the rest because I'm a humble person.




Third, you must be pretty stupid. If you piss off a writer, that rarely goes over well. I'm being very nice right now. But, yes, I'm making an idiot out of you. Good job, genius.




Also, best of luck, darling. Unlike you, it's not rocket science finding someone to take your place.




Sincerely,

Kate

Alright, guys. I did some thinking and came up with a fair compromise:

-Once the school year starts, I will be cutting back DRASTICALLY on my posts but, they will still happen. My readers love them too much and, well, how horrible would it be if I let them down?

-The book is still HAPPENING!

-If ANYONE wants to guest post about ANY dating stories (internet or other), FEEL FREE! E-mail them to kdbarclay1@gmail.com or use my contact form on here. I would love to hear them and they will be featured as a guest post on here. Just provide a brief bio. They can be funny, how you met your spouse, etc.

-UNLESS I end up in a very serious, committed relationship, I will stick with this. I got a huge compliment from a reader today and had a big change of heart. But, I will be limiting it because I'm getting fairly emotionally invested in it. so, I'm going to put myself on more of a schedule and try to take care of myself better (eating right, sleeping like a normal person, and working out again).

So, with that being said, working

Hello Everyone! 

I hope all of you are having a fantastic night! But, I might be the bearer of both good and bad news. 

Naturally, I'm going to start with the bad news. I'm going to be cutting back, if even continuing, trying to grow the "Kate's Adventures" posts. It's taking a toll on my time, my mental health, and I'm a fan of being all-around healthy (mind, body, and spirit). I also have about three other projects I would like to finish before classes start. In about thirteen days, classes start again. For those of you who don't know, I'm a junior in college. This means that there won't be a lot of time to afford to get distracted by dating- both internet and normal. I've been feeling very consumed and don't enjoy it. I miss feeling like a happy, normal person and I'm not enjoying this anxiety and trend of being brushed off the minute I start liking someone. I don't like the confusion. I don't like the stress. The way I look at it, there are "bigger fish to fry" and I'm going to be doing that. Don't worry though: they will still come. But, way less often and, if I meet someone awesome enough, that is when it will stop. 

As for the good news, the book is still happening. I have plenty of old messages I plan on using that will blow your mind. Phone numbers, real names (unless very common), and even usernames for the site won't be used unless it's really common. So, here's the plan: I'm going to write this book and tease you with excerpts until then. If you think the blog posts are good, I have a feeling that the book will blow you away (there's a plot, characters, etc.). I am also working on a book of poetry and two fiction pieces that I am planning on having ready in the next two weeks. Stressful? God, you have no idea! But, I am a masochist and overachiever. 

Funny enough, this all started as a joke. But, it looks like the joke is starting to fall on me. I've never meant to hurt anyone and have been keeping many details private because I do (surprisingly) have limits. I'm pretty confident I haven't. A lot of people actually know about this and don't seem to look at it as anything more than what it is: a joke. I have met some cool people. One of them is cool enough that I actually hope that- when the timing is right- there comes a moment that he considers me just as cool. 

Of course, I will still be writing- probably until the day that I die. I am overly creative and writing is the easiest way to express my emotions. I've tried not writing: bad things happen. Anyway, I will continue writing for both BlogCritics and Technorati as well as working on new poetry and fiction pieces that I know you will love! 

Yes, ladies and gentleman, we have another one. This comes from Jason of Beulaville, North Carolina and found it in my inbox:




“hi there how r u doing? i see ur very tough smart and very beautiful. so what made u want to beat people up? i use to wrestle ,play footbal and run track in school was suppose to play at the university of toledo but i messed my left knee up in a accident”




First, note the bad grammar (you caught me: I was lazy and “copied and pasted”. Don't judge). Secondly, WHY WHY WHY does everyone seem to think that I want to beat them up? I'm a really nice person! REALLY!